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Episode 29: Raiders of the Lost Artifact or Something that Most Likely Belongs in a Museum
The Chief calls Dick and Johnson, who are in the middle of tending to their emus. Johnson is futilely — and for many emus fatally — trying to teach them to fly, while Dick is feeding and riding them. The Chief informs the two that, at an off-shore drill site in Peru, a geological research has discovered ancient ruins, which hold a powerful artifact inside. Because the ruins are filled with traps, Dick and Johnson will be send in with a guide, Idaho Jones, who is with the Chief in his office at the Pentagon. Paul Lynde has also learned of the artifact and has already dispatched his own team, which is the cast of Congo, including Bruce Campbell, an intelligent ape, and Tim Curry. Idaho Jones is sent to Peru with a new supersonic jet, whose technology is based on Macho Fan Randy Savage, while Dick and Johnson use an old plane flown by a Dan Aykroyd look-alike. After landing and meeting up, Dick, Johnson, and Idaho spot Paul Lynde's team just ahead of them, already on the road. Tailing the vehicle for a while, they eventually find it crashed off the side of the road, covered in poison darts. Before getting a chance to inspect it, they are shot at with the same darts. The attackers, who appear to be members of an ancient native tribe, come out of hiding and charge with spears and knifes. Being most woke, Dick questions the authenticity and accuracy of their portrayal as Peruvian natives, and discovers them to be hired actors. They quickly fight off the assailants and continue deeper into the wilderness, until they eventually reach a cliff on the seaside on which the ruin of the ancient ziggurat stands. They decide to press on into the ruin to avoid having to spend the night outside with the looming dangers of the jungle, which include talking panthers, mummies, tigers that are only afraid of vultures that sound like the Beatles, and an orangutan that attempts to take people's skin to become human. Disregarding Idaho's advice to be cautious, Dick and Johnson charge inside and set off multiple traps. An attempt by Idaho to patch up the now severely wounded duo fails, and Dick and Johnson temporarily pass out from pain. Another trap sends all three down a slide to the bottom of the ziggurat. In a final chamber, they find the artifact locked inside a complicated, oversized, mechanical contraption, its powerful magical energy radiating from it. Refusing to work out the mechanics, Dick and Johnson instead attempt to break out the artifact, but in doing so, the container holding it is flung into lava. At this moment, Paul Lynde arrives, and they all witness the box open and the artifact being revealed, a golden statue of two hands high-fiving, before it melts in the lava. Also Evil Paula Deen is there. The destruction releases the magical energy the item held, and the building is starting to collapse. Idaho manages to distract Paul Lynde and Paula Deen just long enough for Dick to call in a flock of their trained flying emus to evacuate himself, Johnson, and Idaho. Back in the US, the adventure provides Idaho with enough material and inspiration to establish his reputation as respected archaeologist, adventurer, and vlogger.